Mission gone wrong
by Allison.St
Summary: Something horrible happens to Gray after a mission and he tries to deal with it by pretending it never happened at all. But when things go wrong and he falls into a deep depression it's up to Natsu to help him out of his dark mind. But can they do that while keeping their feelings for each other a secret? Warning: this story has Yaoi/rape/self harm
1. Are you okay?

Warning: This is going to be a Yaoi fic and it will handle subjects like rape depression and self-harm.  
This is my first fanfiction ever. I hope it's not ritten badly but English is not my language I'm dutch but I can't really share my stories with stories with a lot of people if I write in a language no one understands so there are going to be some grammar and spelling mistakes if you find some tell me so I can learn and edit them. That would be lovely!

some grammar and spelling you find some tell me so I can learn and edit them. That would be lovely!

Chapter 1: It's okay to cry

There was pain everywhere and his whole body was beaten and tired from all of his desperate attempts to voice was weak and his throat felt sore from screaming for hours. Gray had never felt so weak and humiliated in his life. How was he going to forget this? How was he going to live with what happened? And more importantly, how was he going to get out of this hotel room? He is so scared to open his eyes and official start his day after what happened last night but he wanted to get out of there he had no choice.

Slowly gray opened his dark blue eyes. The first thing he saw were empty bottles of beer. He tried to move his head around to see if he could find someone but surprisingly the room was empty. He was monster had disappeared and Hopefully forever. Gray tried to put his clothes on as soon as possible but his body was too weak to work with him. He could still feel the drugs they used on him in his system. After he finally got dressed he walked to the train station or at least he tried but his legs and his hips were in so much pain that it looked like he was crawling to the station. He hoped he arrived there in time to catch his train so he could finally go back home and forget that this ever happened.

Gray walked inside the guild so he could confirm that he finished

his mission. And he did actually finish the mission it was after that he found the missing girl and saved her that everything went wrong. Because he wanted to have a drink in a cafe before he left and he was stupid enough to fall for a trap and get drugged. Last night he tried to move and fight but it was useless the drugs made him weak and took away his magic he was helpless. If he was with Natsu yesterday then the flame-brain would have smelled it if someone put drugs in his drink and then and none of this would have happened. Gray tried to relax and not show how horrible he felt. "I found the girl and finished the job, " the raven haired mage said. "Good, Are you alright Gray you look pale?" Mira answered "Yes I'm fine. Just tired I had a pretty bad night". And that was true he wasn't actually lying. He was just leaving out a pretty important detail. "Ice princess! You ready for a fight? cause I'm all fired up!" Natsu yelled while he gave Gray a pat on the back. "Don't!.." Gray screamed. It took 10 seconds before gray realized that he was about to scream "Don't touch me" around the whole guild.

He was messed up dam it was just Natsu giving him an innocent pat on the back. Natsu looked shocked he didn't expect gray to react like that and even Gray didn't expect to react like that. The ice mage was shaking in fear. Natsu gave him a confused look "Gray? What was that?" "Nothing, You just shocked me and I'm tired". "But you screamed don't. What was that supposed to mean?" "I just didn't want to fight I'm tired flame-brain" the raven haired mage answered. And then Natsu smelled it the scent of sex drugs and blood. He smelled a man's scent on him too. Natsu could be dense but he wasn't stupid the total picture was there. Gray was raped.

Someone had put their hands on one of his teammates and his best friend and it was clearly against his will. Natsu could feel the rage in his body. "Well, I guess I'll go get some sleep," gray said while he tried to walk out of the guild. "Gray what's wrong with your legs and hips" gray turned around and saw Erza who gave him a concerned look "You're walking pretty strange" he tried the hide his face under his bags "I just got injured during my mission it's nothing" "Doesn't look like nothing." "Well, it is" gray yelled.

Natsu watched while Gray was trying to escape from Erza. He was furious the person who did this was not getting away with this. he couldn't even look at how gray was walking while knowing just how they injured him like that. He could imagine how scared and confused gray was right now but he had, to tell the truth. This could not stay a secret. "Gray stop lying and say the truth. This is fairy tail you can say anything without having to be ashamed" Natsu said "I'm not lying" "You are I can smell drugs, blood and someone's scent on you". Erza looked at Gray "what is he talking about? Natsu what do you mean?" " I'm saying that he was raped. and that I can smell it" Natsu replied softly so that only Erza and gray could hear it. Erza Looked horrified she couldn't believe what Natsu just said. She knew things like that happen but you never expect it to happen to those close to you.

"Gray is that true. Are you alright? " But gray didn't answer he couldn't answer he was shaking in fear. First, he was raped and then he was exposed. This was too much for him to handle. He needed it to stop he needed to get out of here. What was happening to him "Leave me alone This is none of your business." Gray screamed out while he ran away from the guild. He couldn't do it he needed to be alone. Ezra was ready to go after him but she was stopped by Natsu. "I'll go" Natsu ran out of the guild and chased after Gray. He hated this he always had this rivalry with Gray so that he could hide his true feelings. but now the one he loved was in a lot of pain and didn't even share it because of their rivalry. "Gray please be Oke"

It was near the river that he finally found him he was sitting on the ground if you saw him it looked like he was staring at the river but if you looked close enough you could see that he wasn't looking at anything. He was lost in his own mind and his expression was lifeless. If it Nasu didn't have his great hearing and couldn't hear his pulse right now he would think he was dead. Carefully he sat down beside him."I'm sorry for saying it like that, But I couldn't just watch any longer while knowing the truth."

Gray looked Natsu in the eye he could see the fear in his eyes and Gray clearly didn't know what to answer" "It's going to be okay. You're strong and you'll find a way to get through this." "Thanks, Natsu but I can't talk about this. I hardly know what to think of myself anymore. So just leave me alone." Natsu looked the Ice mage in the eye again and noticed the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. "I'm not leaving you like this ice princess."

"Leave Natsu please just go, I'm okay" "Gray..." Natsu said while he looked at the ice mage with a worried expression. "Leave. I don't need you to watch here while I'm crying like a little kid!" gray scream in the hope that Natsu would give up and go. He always liked the Idiot as more than a friend and hated it that he saw him like this. He wanted Natsu to see him as someone strong enough to fight beside him. He knew that there would never be more but the last thing he wanted was for Natsu to look down on him. But Natsu didn't leave he stayed and hugged gray tightly.

"It's okay to cry. It doesn't make you weak." gray didn't answer but he hugged Natsu back while the tears in his kept on falling. "It"s okay don't hold back" Natsu whispered. And gray listened he cried and screamed in Natsu's arms until everything was out. That moment he felt so broken and see good at the same time The dragon slayers arms felt so safe. He always wanted to be in Natsu's arms like that but at the same time, he was completely broken.

Two months later things were getting back to normal. Only Erza and Natsu knew what had happened and after a while, they stopped thinking about it. Erza wanted to talk to him about it the first weeks after but he said that he was fine and after giving a couple of worried looks she started believing him. After what happened at the river it felt a little weird to be around Natsu at the beginning but that's also over now. They pretended like nothing had happened. But the truth was Gray wasn't okay yet. He needed more time to heal. What happened to him would always leave a scar on his heart and he could live with that. But right now its was still and open wound and sometimes hiding an open wound can cause infections.


	2. Pain can heal

What do people normally do around 3 Am? Well, the answer is simple most people are sound asleep around that time. But Gray wasn't. The ice-mage was forcing himself to stay awake and why did he do that? because he was scared of his dreams, well more specifically he was scared of the reality that his dreams showed him over and over again the reality that he wanted to forget forever.

Gray was completely exhausted of course he knew that this was a stupid idea but why would he admit that to himself if he was already denying the fact that he was raped to himself? Or at least he was desperately trying to do that. he wasn't just in pain he was broken and empty. the only feelings he had where sorrow, rage, and Disgust against himself.

But even when he was awake flashbacks haunted him. The image of those dirty hands around him and his nails pushing into his skin. The smell of his breath was everywhere and it made him wanna puke. He could even still feel the blood that was dripping between his legs. he knew it wasn't there anymore but it felt like it was. Sins the moment it happened he no longer felt like a human being, no he felt like a toy instead. And that was exactly how he was treated by him, playing with his body like he was a doll. He remembered every moan that he made while he screamed and every single movement that he made against his body and inside his body... depends on how you see it. "shit, Gray you're thinking too much stop it" But the pictures that were inside his head didn't go away. It made him go crazy.

The morning came and Gray knew that it was time that he showed his face at the guild. The ice mage entered the bathroom and he looked in the mirror and saw his empty eyes staring at himself. he hadn't left the house for over a week with the excuse that he had a cold and it showed he really needed to shave. He took a razor and some shaving creme and went carefully over his skin with the blade. and then he saw it again the images of what happened that night. Those dirty hands touching his hips and him begging for it to end he dropped the razor and fell on his knees and after al those sleepless nights he lost it. he screamed and started crying. "Dam it! fuck this just fuckk all of this" The ice mage looked at the floor and saw the razor that he dropped earlier. "Pain that's what I need. That's exactly what I want now"

He took the razor and pushed it against his skin. But it wasn't enough. "Ice-make blade" He made ma sharp blade of ice and pierced it against his skin and it felt so right the pain made him forget it he was so focused on hurting himself that he forgot everything for just a couple of minutes. he watched the blood fall from his arms and focused on the pain and for a short time, he felt at peace again. It was just long enough for him to get himself together. He took a bandage and wrapped it over his wounds not to heal them of course but to hide them. Now he could do it he could face the guild without falling apart he could pretend he was happy for another day.

Natsu was sitting at the bar in the guild waiting for some fun. With the ice-princes sick at home, it was boring here. he wanted to fight gray and tease hem our go on a mission with him. "Erza have you heard from Gray? He's been home for a whole week now" Erza turned around and gave Natsu a teasing look "Do you miss him that much?" Natsu hissed "Of course not I was just curious" The red haired mage gave him a soft smile "Don't worry everyone knows you two are secretly best friends" Natsu laughed when he heard that if only she new. He was secretly in love with the popsicle.

"If you really one know how gray is maybe you should pay him a visit," Ezra said. "Nah, he'll be fine" the doors opened and Natsu turned around and looked to see who It was. The moment he saw it was gray he couldn't help but smile a little to see him again. "Well look who is. Gray, it's been a while are you better?" Mira asked. "Yes, it was just a cold I'm fine now" Gray replied with a signature fake smile. "Hey princess fight me!" Natsu said while he interrupted the conversation. "Nice to see you too flame-brain" Natsu had a huge smile on his face he was all fired up now. "Come on fight me it's been a while" " Sorry, I'm a little tired I'm not completely healed yet.." "Scared to lose?" Natsu said before gray could even finish his sentence.

"Of course no Ice-make sword !" "Fire Dragon's Roar !" "Stop fighting you two idiots our I'll beat you both" The moment they saw Erza they both got close to each other and said "aii sir" in union it was a pretty funny sight. The only woman who was able to control those two would be Erza with her strong character and her power. Natsu started sniffing there was a weird smell in the air and he knew what it was but not from who it came from. " Did anyone come from a mission?" Natsu asked to Erza "No, why at leats not anyone who's here. why? "I smell blood. And it's pretty fresh" Gray's face turned white. Natsu sniffed around "The scent is close like really close." Natsu looked at Gray's arm and saw the bandage. "Gray it's you why didn't you say so" "Ow I forgot this happened I was bitten by a dog this morning" " Why did the dog bite you," Ezra asked "No idea some animal can't be controlled I guess"

The fairies talked and took a day of they all stayed at the guild and had some fun together. Lucy arrived a little later at the guild and started talking about her new novel. While Erza was giving Gray and Natsu lecture about not fighting every second. It was a pretty fun day and it started pretty well even for Gray but near the end of the day, he really needed to leave he felt it coming again that empty feeling and the pain in his chest. He couldn't fake any longer he needed to get out of the guild and hide in his bed" Lucy started to notice Gray's good behavior "Gray are you alright?" She asked. "Ow yea I'm just tired"

it wasn't a lie he hadn't slept in a while. "Hmm, you like kind of pale' lucy looked at him with her big chocolate brown eyes and gave him a worried look. she clearly didn't believe him. She remembered how weird everyone acted a couple of months ago. Everyone seemed to know something that she clearly wasn't allowed to know" It made her a little sad that Gray didn't seem to trust her at all. She made a sad face and looked the other way in the hope that no one saw. Gray realized that she was sad. "I'm sorry. It's just something complicated and I don't want to bother others with it. It's not like I don't trust you." "It's okay" lucy answered

 **Okay, i realized that I completely forget Lucy in this story... But I gave her a small role now. thanks for reading I hope the grammar wasn't too awful sorry for the short chapter next will be longer I promise! and sorry for the depressing beginning. But it will have a happy ending :). I know that there wasn't too much Graystu in this chapter but i don't want to force it too much. But they are the end game in this fic!**


	3. His secrets

His secrets

Natsu could feel it. He could feel that something was wrong with Gray. He was having bandages around his arms for a couple of weeks now. not only that but he also had the scent of blood with him a couple of times too. Gray is hiding something. The fire mage really needed to know what was going on if this didn't end soon he would go mad. He just couldn't stand to see Gray like that. it was frustrating and hard to see. Natsu was smart enough to see how Gray had changed after the assault. And he wasn't the only one Erza had noticed too and even Lucy who had no idea of what happened made a couple of comments about the ice mage behaving oddly.

Lately Gray hadn't been showing up at the guild. And if he showed up it felt like he wasn't really there. Maybe Gray should get help, professional help. But how the hell was Natsu going to convince Gray to do that? He was pretending it never happened. He clearly didn't want the subject to come up. And maybe that was a good idea maybe not. "Natsu what's wrong you seem bothered?" Erza asked "Ow, Hey Ezra I didn't see you there. I'm just thinking a little about how strange Gray has been acting." Erza looked at Natsu he didn't look her in the eye but she could see how worried he was even though he tried to hide it so badly

"So you noticed too? It seems like no matter how hard he tries he can't get back to being the old Gray. He tries to make it look like he's fine but he's not he hasn't even stripped since and I don't even think that he's aware of that himself. But Natsu you have to know that it's normal for him to be like that after what happened " Natsu looked at Ezra it was the first time that he had the power to face her he was scared that she would see how much this bothered him. But there was no point in hiding he could hear it in her soft voice she already knew the pain he had in his heart. And when he finally faced her he saw that it wasn't just him, Gray was like a brother to her, of course, it hurts her too to see him like that. They were all family after all.

"Erza do you think that Gray needs help?" Ezra looked at him shocked she knew how much Natsu cared for gray but she didn't expect the fire mage to be clever enough to realize that even friends alone weren't enough to fix Gray's problems. "I actually thought about that too. I know Gray needs a therapist but I'm scared that confronting him about that will actually make it worse. The thing what happened affected Gray's self-esteem a lot and I'm afraid that telling that he needs help will make that problem worse." It was true If Gray thought even lower of himself than he already did he may get worse "Maybe we should wait just a little longer and give Gray some more time. If he get's worse or it doesn't end will take action" Natsu said. "Sounds like a good idea, for now on let's both keep an eye on him. And maybe we should inform Lucy I feel bad about her being the only one in the team being left out. And she could help us out."

"She isn't the only one who doesn't know. Happy doesn't either but I do get your point. But I don't think that Gray wants more people to know. I don't even think he wants us to know"

* * *

Gray got out of bed ever since he found his new method to forget everything and let out all his frustration he decided to sleep again there were nightmares but it had gotten better. The ice mage was aware of the dangerous game he played, Self-harm was addicting and apparently, in long term it only made you feel worse. But he didn't care it felt so good to feel something else it felt soo good to damage his body ever since the incident he couldn't look at it. It felt so gross and no matter how much he showered he still felt dirty. Right now his body was his biggest enemy.

"Maby I should go to guild do today" he mumbled to himself. He didn't want people to see how broken he was. And not coming to the guild like has been doing lately made him look suspicious. And he knew he should avoid that. But it was also so hard to act like he was fine. Putting a fake smile on his face hurt so much. It made him worse and he was already a mess. Sadness is a weird thing. Nobody likes it. Nobody wants it and yet it's so much easier to be sad than to be happy. Gray knew that he was only getting worse. Everyday. He fell deeper into a hole And no matter how hard he tried he couldn't find a way out.

The thing is it's easy to fall down you don't have to use any effort to do that. But climbing all the way back up is a pretty difficult task. As long as you're on the ground like normal people your fine. You will have to climb a hill a once in while but you'll survive. But once you're in of those dark holes it feels impossible to get out of there again. And that's when you get stuck in a routine where you fake a smile and start lying. Maybe your lying to your friends. Maybe to your family maybe to everyone and maybe your lying to yourself. It's different for every person. The way you handle being in that dark hole is also different for every person. And Gray's way of handling it was locking himself away from the world. Because even when he showed up at guild he wasn't really there. And he wasn't really connecting with them either. Not because he didn't love them it was because he was scared.

The ice-mage was scared all the time of everything. Of what people may think if they found out, Of people seeing how broken he was, Of people seeing how disgusted he felt, Of people hurting and betraying him. And last but not least he was scared of the person he was becoming. Someone weak and Vulnerable. He was no longer the strong Gray who could take care of himself no, he was broken because he didn't look out for himself. Gray stood up and took the first t-shirt he could find that looked decent. It was time to go the guild. If he didn't want people to know his secrets he needed to pretend like he had nothing to hide.

* * *

Natsu was supprised to see the ice princess walk in the guild. He didn't expect him to come anymore. He stared at his friend. His face pale and he looked tired but he had the bright smile on his face that fooled almost everyone. But not him he could see through it. He could see his pain and he was gonna stop it no matter what. "Hey ice princess, Are you free tomorrow?" "Why?" Gray stuttered "Well because we're going to do something fun, It's my treat," Natsu said with an enthusiastic smile.

"Euum, I repeat why?" Gray answered. "come on princess, You look like a zombie who doesn't leave the house let's have some fun. I'm not taking no for answer" Gray stared blankly at the fire mage. He was wondering if this was a good idea. If he went Natsu may figure something out but if he said no he would also figure out something was off. "Okay, I'll go" he answered."But not early in the morning, i would like to sleep in" Natsu smiled he couldn't hide how happy he was. Gray said yes. Gray who had locked himself away from the whole guild said yes. He knew it wasn't a big thing and he needed to push Gray but it was a step for him. A step back to happiness.

Gray got in his bed he couldn't believe it. He said yes. He didn't plan it definitely when he was like this. But when he looked into the fire mage's eyes he just couldn't say no. He knew Natsu just wanted to cheer him up and that I wasn't a date or something. But knowing he would spend a day with the flame brain. Made him happy for the first time in a while he looked forward to something. He just needed to make sure that Natsu would see how broken he was. He knew Natsu suspected but he didn't want to show him just how messed up he was. this was his mess and not Natsu's. He was not going to make Natsu worry about him more he already did. He needed to fix this depression om himself.

* * *

Yea sorry another short chapter... I still hope you liked it. :) From here on it's going to be more romantic :) But of course Gray will still struggle with his issues. And Natsu is going to help him with that. Yea mine idea of romance is one person suffering and the other saving and supporting them with a lot of "drama" I guess my parents are right when they call me a drama queen.


	4. Hope?

Gray's notebook: Pain

one word but yet so much meaning to it. I want it to stop. Not forever even I know that's impossible, but just for a minute. So my heart can have a break. So my heart can beat at a slower pace for just a little while. But how can my pain stop for even a minute if even I no longer know where it comes from? How can I find peace if I have forgotten what that even feels like? Is it possible to fix a problem that you can't understand?

Gray closed his diary and put it under his bed. He never saw himself as a diary boy, but bad situations can make you find parts of yourself that you never even knew. Sometimes nightmares had to be remembered and written down, And thoughts that come from the darkest place in your heart needed to be taken out. Fears need to be known by yourself. For Gray, all those things were solved by his diary. It even helped him in some ways. He learned how he felt about himself and what happened to him and sometimes writing down his darkest and saddest thought was enough, and it took away the need to hurt himself. Well of course only sometimes. Actually just today. But that was good enough, he could go out with Natsu today with less guilt. He could say he was okay and actually, mean it ..well just a little bit at least. But that was enough.

Gray knocked at the door he was kind of nervous it was kind of weird being with Natsu like that after he cried in his arms like a baby. The door opened and Natsu let him in. His hair was messy and his eyes were red. It looked like he just came out of bed. "Natsu are you okay ?" "Yea sorry I'm a little sick. I'm sorry after I promised we have a fun day" " No problem, Maybe you should stay in bed?" "No ! I'm fine to let's go out!" "Okay...What would like to do?" Natsu stared blankly at Gray" Exum you chose...just make sure you have fun" "Wanna go watch a movie? "Yes sounds good to me".

Watching movies wasn't really Gray's thing to do but Natsu was clearly sick and that way he could at least rest. Maybe Natsu being sick was a sign? Maybe it meant that he wasn't supposed to be happy and that even Natsu couldn't save him from sorrow.

"Ow, there is a fun comedy playing in 15 minutes if we run we can make it." Gray looked at Natsu he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice that he was looking up movies. "Alright let's go, last one treat,s" Gray said while he started running and took the lead.

In the end, Natsu paid for the tickets and the drinks and snacks there was no way he could catch up with Gray with his motion sickness and his cold. the movie turned out to be more romantic than funny. It was kind of awkward watching with all those couples around them. " I thought you said it was going to be a comedy ?" "Sorry... I didn't know it was romance. But wasn't bad right?" Natsu didn't know why he did it. He knew it was a romantic movie for couples or for girls. It definitely wasn't for two guys to watch. At least if they were good friends like Gray and him. "Well it was actually a really good movie, It wasn't just romance, the story was great. And I don't hate romance." "Ooo really you liked it? that's good." "How's your cold?" "Fine, feeling mutch better" "Sure," "Yea but I should probably go home and sleep it off, I had fun today. I hope you enjoyed today too" "Yea its was fun, Thanks for making me go with you."

Natsu and Gray separated on their ways home when they both needed to go in opposite directions. So after that, it was just Gray again with his negative thoughts that kept on haunting him. But those small hours were he was free from his nightmares had given him something. Strength for the first time in months he had the power to fight against his mind. For the first time in months, he felt something called hope. And just for a moment, a small moment he thought that maybe he could beat this. But it was only a moment and nothing more as soon as he was home his loneliness killed it.

Gray's notebook:

I don't understand how one night can ruin my spirit. I was supposed to get better after a week and forget it forever. So why do I still feel numb? Why do even my legs and hips still feel pain? why do I feel empty for something that's over and done? Why is it still haunting me? It feels like a curse has taken me over. Every day I'm drowning in in my own pain. And the pain should be over.

Gray went to bed. He no longer knew the biggest reason for his self-hatred. Was it the shame and the weakness he felt about what happened? Our was it because he hated how sad and pathetic he was over what happened? He hated the fact that he became the type of person that harmed himself. He had everything a crush a family that loved him and that would freak out if they knew what he was doing. So why? Why didn't he stop? Why did the sadness keep on winning? But those thoughts didn't give him te power to beat this. No, they made him feel even weaker. They made him feel like he didn't deserve to be a part of the fairy tail family. Everyone had the power to beat everything the been through because of the love everyone gave to them. But he didn't. He couldn't beat this even with love.

He started to think how everyone was better of without him. In his eyes, they deserved someone stronger than him.

Note

Okay first of all sorry for updating so late. I was also drowning myself not in sadness but in love. XD I found myself a boyfriend and all my time went to him and school. But vacation has started and I have inspiration and time enough to finish this :). By the way, i'm going to give this a happy ending. this all just negative because I wanted to show what happens to a person mind when shame and self- hatred takes over. In this story, Gray is too scared and ashamed to talk about what happened to him. Because getting help in a situation like that means admitting you were raped to a lot of persons. And it's hard for Gray because that will make everything more official and means that he has to label it rape to and he knows what happened but somewhere in his head he is still denying it. and he tries to forget it. But that makes it even harder for him. Because if anyone ever gets's raped our assaulted They need to get help right away and face the problem. for some people, it's not so hard. some people don't even need help and learn how to face it right away. But denying and trying to forget won't work. and that's the message I want to give with this story. I wrote from a man's Prospective because of rape and abuse happens to males too. It happens more to the woman that's no secret. But rape with men is almost never reported our Discussed Because they feel this shame more.


	5. Busted

In the morning everything felt empty again. And the only thing that could fill the emptiness the ice mage felt was a small sharp blade. it may sound cliche but it's better to feel pain than nothing at all right? wrong it's not better, it's just less scary than nothing. At least you know that you're alive and not a total illusion. At least you know that you can still feel something. And when you reached the point where you think that you deserve pain. You actually think harming yourself is better. And that's the point where Gray was.

He watched while the blood dripped from his arms. Completely Satisfied Gray pulled his sleeve up again his arms were full of scars and fresh wounds. His stomach and abdomen were painted with dark red stripes pretty well too. with every movement he made he felt pain. After the cutting was done Gray took his diary and wrote every single feeling he had on a paper. letting everything go out of him was the only way for him to feel good enough to survive a day with everyone around him. "Well I guess now I'm ready to go the guild" With those words the mage ran off to his family. And for the first time his life he actually didn't want to be there.

Gray's notebook

"Maybe I can hide. Maybe I can disappear and no one would notice. I don't deserve it. Fairy Tail is a home better than any other. But I don't deserve to be there anymore. Because even after all the things we went through. One night was enough. one night was enough to change the place into a house instead of a home from me. There is no longer a home for me cause the word home lost its meaning. And I don't know why. People no longer feel safe. In my head, everyone is a thread. The only way I'm staying here is so no one can feel sad about me leaving"

Gray arrived at the guild and was Immediately greeted by everyone.

Most of them had no idea about how he felt. They were all fooled by an obviously fake smile. But some saw through him. Of course, Erza and Natsu they knew what happened. But it wasn't just them. Lucy and Mira and even Cana had noticed Gray's odd behavior. Gray put on his fake smile and ordered a drink. when he paid for his drink it was Mira who saw something she shouldn't have. Red and fresh scars were hidden right under his sleeve. "Gray, can I talk with you in private for a minute?" "euum, sure"

"Mira whats wrong you sound serious?" "Well, it's serious. Gray whats wrong with you? Why are so different lately" Gray looked surprised he didn't expect her to see through his acting. " Ow, I'm sorry to worry you I'm just a little down. but I'm gonna fix it." " "You're not just a little down Gray. From what I've seen it looks you're seriously depressed." "I'm fine Mira. I'm just having some issues but I'm handling it" Mira lost her patience. She took his wrist and pulled his sleeve down. "Is this handling your problems, Gray? If something happened to make you do this to yourself then you need help. We love you Gray and the last thing we want to see is you hurting yourself like this."

Natsu Looked with horror in his eyes at the scene. Mira and Gray standing at the bar with Gray's sleeve pulled down, revealing the self-inflicted wounds on the ice mages wrist. Gray noticed that their private conversation wasn't private anymore. he saw the eyes of the guild on him. Mira's words were louder than she thought and Gray knew that cause the look on her face made it clear that she didn't want to expose Gray like this. Ezra ran to Gray. "come with me for a little bit Gray let's talk about this." She looked calm and supportive but Gray knew better. She was scared she knew how to handle a fight but not this and she really wanted to handle this. She wanted to help Gray cause she was like his brother and she loved him a lot. Natsu was standing there and watching with the rest of the guild he didn't know what to do. Hug him? Yell at him? Hit him for being so stupid?

But before he could figure it out Gray had run away. The eyes of his shocked family hurt him too much and the whispers about him scared him too much he needed to get out of there so he could breathe again. So he ran. He ran as hard as he can to the river. He could Cry there, he could think there. Running wasn't a solution he was gonna have to face everyone. But for now, he needed to run.

The river was peaceful. Mira was telling the truth. He need help he couldn't do this alone. he was so sure he was strong enough to handle his feelings. But he wasn't he couldn't do it in. He thought he could shake it off and move one. But he couldn't. He needed help

Natsu, Erza, Mira, Lucy, and Cana were discussing what to do with Gray. They agreed that they needed to do something.

"I just don't get how this started if we knew why our how it got this far it could be easier to help him," Cana said "Well Natsu and I know why... but I don't know if it's okay to tell everyone," "Erza our friend is hurting himself why would you still keep it a secret ?" Cana shouted at the scarlet haired woman. "It's not as simple as you think! What happened it fucked up. And if Gray finds out anyone except us knew he would feel even worse. I'm sorry but right knows I don't want to risk that yet " Everyone was shocked no one would have expected that Natsu would say something like that. After that, there was a silence. A silence of million words.

Sadness can feel like a wall surrounding you. It locks you up and takes away your freedom. It's like a house you can't get out of but do you know whats worse? Depression instead of a wall you have a small cage. You can see everything outside of it while you know it's impossible to reach whats outside for you. When you're depressed your like a bird who sees the sky every day while it knows that it will never fly in there again. That's what Gray felt like. He saw a part of the world that he never wanted to see again a part that took his wings and stop him from flying. Now all he was was a boy who was blocked by fear.

The river a place full of good memories. But they weren't strong enough to help him with this. Nothing was. It was useless. He gave up after seeing the terror in his friend's eyes after they saw his cuts. He decided he was done the fighting. He didn't wanna hurt anyone so he made a plan to leave. If he left and ended things then maybe no one would find out he was gone. They would be sad but they be okay without him and after a while, they would forget him. He would be erased from there life's. would be just a memory.

"Gray !" Natsu yelled. "Maybe he's not home?" Or maybe he doesn't wanna talk. But he won't get away with hiding." Natsu said while he forced the door open."Gray where the hell are you?" Natsu went upstairs but found nothing. "Natsu ! I found something !" "What is it happy?" "A letter" Happy said with tears in his eyes. He's leaving us.

I'm sorry. I cant be here anymore I gotta go so can breathe again. you'll al better of without me. - Gray

Happy I'm packing my stuff. I'm going after him


	6. I miss you

(3 months after Gray ran away) written from Gray's point of view

I was going to end it. I was so sure that that was what I wanted. Running away and ending it without anyone knowing I was dead. It was my master plan and it was the most stupid plan ever. Here I am still alive with no home and no money blindfolded in a dark room. So how did I get in this situation? let's start with the beginning It's simple I tried to kill myself and I failed but got damaged . It's truly a miracle how I survived. And as depressed as I am. I'm relieved. I shot myself in the head and the moment I pulled the trigger I felt it, regret. Turns out that I did want to live. I just needed a reminder. You see? the story is simple. But do you know what isn't a simple story? The story of how a man with the perfect family became a depressed guy.

there are no guns involved in too this one. But believe me, the story isn't as clean as the first one. For starters, it's about a Man who got raped and drugged. Shame is a strong enemy. If I could choose between the shame I feel right now and someone ripping off my nails and stabbing me a thousandth times with a blade that's on fire. I would choose the last option. I know I sound like a drama queen. But I deserve to complain a little right?

okay maybe not. I could have stayed. I could have focused on the guy I have a crush on and my amazing family instead of fact that I was raped. But I didn't. instead, I lost myself. And now I need to find myself again.

The first step to that would be going back to fairy tail. But I'm too ashamed to go back like this and I don't even know where I am. And then there is Chearl. There is no way she's letting me go. She is the one who saved me, she heard the shot and found me. She brought me to a hospital and let me stay at her place She was so sweet and then out of nowhere she drugged me tied me up and blindfolded me. I hardly hear her talk;. I tried to go home once but she stopped me and locked me up in a room. (that was pretty easy because I was woundedl). I'm not scared. I have no idea what's going to happen but I'm not scared at all. Maybe because the worst thing possible already happened. But I do feel something else. A pain in my heart. I'm pretty sure it's there cause I miss them, I miss them all. But most of all I miss you Natsu.

(end of Gray's point of view)

Natsu walked in Fairy tail the moment the gates opened everyone's eyes were on him. They wanted to know, but no one dared to ask. Did he find Gray? Or anything that could lead to him? The answer was obvious, you could read it on the look on his face. "No, I didn't find anything. If that was what you guys wanted to ask." the fire mage said. He was frustrated he missed the ice princess so much. he wanted to see him. He needed to see him. Who knew that missing someone could hurt so much? "Natsu you should rest for a day," Mira said. " No, I can't every day I'm not looking for Gray could be in pain our worse" With those words the fire mage left again in the hope that he could find his friend. Erza and Lucy followed him in the hope of helping him.

After sleeping on the cold ground in the dark room he was held captive in. Gray opened his eyes hoping it was just a bad dream. it was dark but he could still see the pattern of the wallpaper. And for the first time being locked in that room, he noticed how ugly the wallpaper was. "God how could anyone have such a bad wallpaper," He thought. And then he realized why he didn't notice it before. He was blindfolded before. "So you're awake, Don'tworry I won't hurt you I will even bring you home Chearl said with a big grin

"bring me home? Why?"

"because I want something from you, it will be like a trade"

Sorry bad chapter, sorry for not updating for a long while. and sorry it's short but I'm on a block. Next chapters will be better and I know such a twist? I had no idea how Gray got in that situation I wasn't even planning on making him "want to live again" and making him realize he wants to be happy with everyone but it just happened while writing this I had no control over it. And to be clear Gray still has a depression and everything. He just realized he doesn't want to give yet, he is still going to struggle but he is going to try harder to get better. I'm also writing another story I will publish it in a couple of days when the first chapter is ready but don't worry this story will be finished.


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